


Memories

by Astro_Gobo



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-15
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-09-08 19:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8858092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astro_Gobo/pseuds/Astro_Gobo
Summary: Kanan and Hera have been captured, and Kanan reflects on all that has happened. Takes place during and largely after the events of Rebels Season 2. Parts take place during specific episodes in Season 3. Told from Kanan's POV.





	1. The Jedi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Contains spoilers for Star Wars: A New Dawn (it's amazing, you should go read it!)

I sit, exhausted. The specialized walls of the cell keep me from using the Force; keep me from seeing. I want nothing more than to see her face. But I can’t. For the first time, I am truly completely blind. I fill in the dark emptiness with memories.

Perhaps I should start from the beginning.

The others will tell you their names without hesitation, without question. I won’t. I can’t. I have no one name to tell. I was born Caleb Dume. I never knew my parents. I was taken from them at a young age, to be trained as a Jedi. I fought in the Clone Wars as a Padawan, to a Jedi Master and Council member named Depa Billaba. I was a commander, my master was a general. At the end of the war, when I was 14, I thought everything would become better. But instead, everything became worse. Much worse. Order 66 was carried out by the clones we had commanded, the clones we had fought side by side with for years. I watched my master die at their hands. I went into hiding, concealed my lightsaber, and took the name Kanan Jarrus. That is the name I use now; the name everyone knows. My crewmates know almost nothing of the horrors in my past. I’d like to keep it that way. They know the basics: I was becoming a Jedi, and never finished my training before they all died out. But only Hera knows the full story.  
I had been moving around the Outer Rim for eight years, going farther and farther from Corescant, leaving a planet whenever the Imperials reached it. Hera found me on Gorse, shipping explosives from the planet to the mines on Cynda, its moon. The Imperials had just reached the planet. They were inspecting the mines there, making sure they were as efficient and productive as possible. An acquaintance of mine, a veteran of the Clone Wars known as Skelly, set off a bomb in the middle of the mine, right where it would make the place collapse. He said later he was trying to get the Imperials to realize that continued mining of the moon would cause it to explode, and throw Gorse out of whack. I was right next to the bomb before it went off, with a cart full of explosives. I saw it, and warned everyone to get out. I ran, grabbed the cart, and tried to get out of there. Someone else had fallen, and I went back for them. I realized we wouldn’t make it out, and I did something I hadn’t done in eight years. Something dangerous. I used the Force, not even realizing it at first, to make the cart go faster, to make me jump higher, so I could get out of there. I knew, after that, I couldn’t stay. I had to get out of there, fast.  
Then, a friend of mine, Okadiah, who was mining on Cynda, was killed by the Empire. The Imperials had gotten an idea from Skelly’s bomb, but not the one he had wanted. They thought to blow up the moon, and get the resources faster and more efficiently that way. The explosion my friend died in was a test, to see if that idea would work. I wanted to avenge my friend’s death. I knew if I did, I would be wanted by an Empire who knew exactly who I was, instead of an Empire searching for who I used to be. Hera found me then, by accident, really. Before he died, I was helping out Okadiah by tending his bar while he was busy. Hera was meeting an informant at the bar. She realized I could be helpful, and borrowed my pass to get into the Imperial complex on Gorse, so she could see what they were planning. After that, she asked for the ship I had been using. I had no need of it, and it belonged to the company, so I wouldn’t be responsible for anything that happened to it. Then, we all saw the explosion on Cynda. I went up there with them, and swore that the Empire would pay for what they did, and what they were planning to do.

What I’ve been through doesn’t change who I am. I remember this, as I recall the first time I faced a clone after Order 66 was enacted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be the first chapter in a 10 or 11 chapter work. At the end of each one, there will be a hint/teaser to what the next one will be about. This one was mostly background, for those who don't know every detail of Kanan's backstory. The rest are largely my original ideas, but some take place during episodes in Seasons 2 and 3, and take some ideas from those episodes.  
> Any comments, suggestions, or reviews are greatly appreciated!


	2. The Lost Commanders

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan, Sabine, Ezra, and Zeb go to find some old allies, and find a surprise waiting for them. Told from Kanan's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one launches right into the memory, no preface-thing like the last one had. The beginning is taken directly from Season 2: Episode 2: The Lost Commanders. Stuff changes after that. Also, canon gets bent a bit.

7567...7567...7567… The sound bore into my head. The familiar voice of the tactical droid, bringing back memories of the Clone Wars. 7567..7567… I saw a faint dot in the distance. Squinting, I realized what it was. “It’s an old Republic tank, used during the Clone Wars,” I said. I was surprised that it had lasted this long. It had been fifteen years, after all. And if it was an original tank, not a replication.. Who was piloting it? Sabine landed the Phantom next to the tank, which had come to a stop as we drew near. “Ezra, be on guard,” I said. Whoever was driving it, they could likely not be trusted.

As we got out of the Phantom, the door on the side of the tank opened, and three old men stepped out. I blinked. They were wearing armor, battle-worn armor. And it was familiar. As I tried to get a better look at it, to confirm my theory, Zeb broke the silence by saying, “It’s just a bunch of old geezers.”  
“Well-armed old geezers,” Sabine commented.  
“What do you want?” one of the men asked. That voice…  
“We’re looking for someone,” I said. Might as well tell the truth.  
“Well there’s nobody out here,” the man said.

“Hey, does the number 7567 mean anything to you?” Ezra said, repeating the numbers from the tactical droid.  
The words had a profound effect on the man. “What did you just say?” he roared.  
“Uh, I said 7567..” Ezra repeated.  
Almost in a daze, almost to himself, the man said, “I haven’t heard those digits in.. Well that’s my birth number!”  
Everything clicked into place. The armor, that voice, the numbers. “They’re clones!” I said, activating my lightsaber. I was right. The pilots of the tank couldn’t be trusted.  
One clone’s eyes widened. “Jedi! They’ve come for revenge!” He fired a few shots at me, which I deflected easily.  
Aiming his blaster at the clones, Zeb said, “Drop the blaster, old man!”  
The first speaker held a hand in front of the blaster-wielding clone, and said, “Stand down, troopers! That’s an order, soldier!”  
“But he’s a Jedi.. A Jedi!”  
“I know, I know! But they weren’t the ones who betrayed us. Remember, Wolffe… Remember?” The words seemed to calm Wolffe. The first clone continued, speaking to me, “Sorry about the uh… weapons malfunction! We haven’t seen a Jedi since…” I knew what he was about to say. I didn’t want him to say it. I cocked my eyebrow at him, hoping it would keep him quiet. “Well, it’s been a while,” he finished.

I felt Ezra’s hand fall on my shoulder, and knew he wanted me to put my saber down. I did, but still kept it in my hand. Ezra said, gesturing to each of us in turn, “I’m Ezra, this is Kanan, and that’s Sabine and Zeb. It’s nice to meet you.. 7567.”  
“Actually, my name is Rex, Captain. 501st clone battalion. Meet Commanders Gregor and Wolffe,” the first speaker said, gesturing to first the mistrustful clone then to the one standing to his left. “There are three more inside. Dody, Wax, and Quoro,” The names surprised me. I knew those names. But from where?  
“We were sent by Ahsoka Tano,” I heard Ezra say vaguely in the background as I tried to think.  
“Ahsoka Tano..” Rex repeated, chuckling. “I fought by her side from the Battle of Crystofsis to the Siege of Mandalor, and a friend of hers is a friend of mine. Gregor here served under ____, and Wolffe under Plo Koon. The others all served the Council member, Depa Billaba, and her padawan, Caleb Dume.” _That_ was where I knew the names from. I knew those clones, at least, couldn’t be trusted. I felt myself stumble back, as I realized, they might recognize me. What then? What would I do? Vaguely, I heard Rex ask, “What, did you know them?”  
I decided to answer with the truth, for now. Or at least, part of the truth. “Yes.. I knew them. At one time. I’d like to meet these.. other clones.” I tried to steel my voice, tried to stop it from wavering as I said the words.

Once we were inside the tank, Rex shouted into a doorway, “Dody! Wax! Quoro! We’ve got visitors!” Three clones came in from the doorway. And I was right. I knew them, knew them so well that I could tell them apart, despite their identical haircuts and faces.  
“Who are they?” one asked. Wax.  
“Jedi, Wax. Jedi,” Rex replied.  
“Who? Do we know ‘em? Is it Caleb?” Dody asked. My name, come up so early? Not a good sign.  
“No, Dody, it’s not Caleb. You know, I’m pretty sure he’s dead, after all this time,” Rex said, almost as an offhand remark, like he had answered these questions many times before.  
I felt an urge to break in. “No, he’s not dead,” I heard myself say.  
Quoro turned, and stared at me, narrowing his eyes. “How do you know? D’you know him?” he asked, suspicious.  
“Yeah, I know him. And you’re staring at him.” I was surprised at my words. I didn’t decide to say that. Since that dark day, fifteen years ago, I controlled my words perfectly. Now, my tongue was slipping. Stupid, I thought. Now they know who you are. I’d have to make sure that didn’t happen again.  
I heard Ezra come up behind me, and winced. He going to say something, he’s going to-- “Kanan, what are you talking about? We don’t know a Caleb? You’re not Caleb!”  
I turned, and said simply, “I used to be.” Get one secret out, might as well get them all out.

“Caleb, old friend!” Wax said. I flinched, as Wax tried to put his arms around me.  
I slapped his hands away instinctively. “Don’t touch me. We aren’t friends. You killed my master.”  
Silence, and my eyes burned. Silence, as Wax stared at me in horror. Then Rex broke the silence, saying, “What? Wax, you told us you removed your control chips, and didn’t kill your general!”  
Oh, he said that, did he? I thought, as Wax tried to stumble through his excuse. “It wasn’t our fault! The chips made us do it, and when we realized what we had done, we dug those chips out of our head and destroyed them! We had no choice!”  
“You had a choice about lying to us!” Rex roared. I could tell, he was getting mad.  
Quoro jumped in, saying, “We didn’t want you to think we were untrustworthy.”  
My temper flared. The excuse was so ridiculous, I couldn’t help but say, “Yeah, you didn’t want him to think you’re untrustworthy, because you ARE UNTRUSTWORTHY!”  
“Caleb, you can’t mean that! Think of all the times we saved you!” Dody said.  
“No, you think,” I can’t believe I said that. “Think of the time my master and I trusted you, and you murdered her in cold blood.” Dody tried to interrupt, to say another terrible excuse. “IN. COLD. BLOOD,” I repeated, cutting him off. “You would have murdered me too, if you had gotten a chance. If Master Billaba hadn’t held you off. I heard you with my own ears, yes, YOU, Dody, say, ‘Find Caleb. Our orders were to kill him too.” If that doesn’t make you untrustworthy, nothing does.” My voice shook as I finished. I could sense Zeb, Sabine, and Ezra staring at me. They never knew this side of me. The side that still called itself Caleb Dume.

Oh, the clones. They kept coming back to haunt me. I think of the next time I had to deal with clones. So much time had passed, my eyes even changed color. Not by choice, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried really hard to make the clone names believable, without seeming like copies of already existing ones. As with the last one, any comments, suggestions, or reviews are greatly appreciated.


	3. The Clones Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan finally opens up to the whole crew about what happened during Order 66. Canon is bent even more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From this point on, the chapters take place after the events of Season 2. This one has major spoilers for Star Wars: A New Dawn.

I stood next to the holotable. Sato was talking about our next mission. “We have received word from Fulcrum that there are some more clones willing to help our cause. Trustworthy clones.”  
“There are no trustworthy clones,” I heard myself say. “The only ones who removed the control chips are Rex, Gregor, and Wolffe.”  
“They’re the only ones we know of, Kanan,” Sato said, almost patronizing. “Some others may have learned of the chips, and also removed theirs. That’s why I want you, Ezra, and Sabine to find these clones, and see if they can be trusted.” Then he said the words that set me off. “Who knows, you might even know some of them, Kanan.”  
“You’d better hope I don’t,” I said darkly, my anger flaring.  


“Why?” Sato seemed incredulous.  
“Because if I knew them, they were in my squad. And everyone in my squad still had their chips.” I felt like I was explaining something to a baby.  
“How do you know for sure?” Do I have to explain everything?  
“Oh, you’d know for sure if you were me. If you had seen them marching up those stairs, on the worst day of your life. If you had watched and ran, while the closest person you had to a parent fell right before your eyes, at the hands of those people you thought you could trust. If you had hidden for months, trying to survive, just waiting for the day Imperial soldiers would find you. And kill you.” I stared at him with my blind eyes, unblinking, trying to unsettle him. “Where were you when the temple fell, Sato?”  


“I was off Mycapo for some business dealings,” Sato said, seeming uncomfortable. Good.  
“Any Jedi near you?”  
“No.”  
“Had you ever met or known a Jedi? Before me?”  
“Yes, one.”  
“Well, whoever they are, they’re dead. Because of those people you are suggesting we trust.” I turned and walked out of the room.

“Kanan, why did you leave in the middle of the meeting?” I heard Hera say behind me, once I had reached the Ghost.  
“Because Sato doesn’t understand what those clones did to me. No one else in the Rebellion knows.”  
“Kanan, we all know what happened at the end of the Clone Wars,”Hera said, trying to calm me down, I guess. Instead, it fueled my anger even more.  
“No, you don’t. You, none of you, understand what it’s like to lose everything you’ve ever known!” I shouted.  
“Then help us to,” Hera said quietly. “You know how.”  


I know what she wants me to do. But I know the effects it can have on the people it’s done to. “Hera, there’s a reason I don’t want to. If I do, you’ll be scarred with the memory forever. Whenever you sleep, you’ll see it in your dreams. Whenever you are awake, you’ll hear it, echoing in the back of your mind. You will never forget it, until the day you die,” I said.  
“We’re willing,” they said. Not the answer I wanted. Hera tilted her head at me, indicating that I should start.  
I sighed. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” I said, raising my hand. I concentrated on the memory, that painful memory of the day everything changed. In an instant, their eyes grew unfocused. They were in the memory. I could see them in it, in my mind’s eye.  


The city spread around them in every direction. Hera said, “It’s Corescant!”  
Ezra stared at a pair. My master and I. I was levitating an R6 droid. Practicing. “Good. Caleb, you keep getting better every day!” These were Master Billaba’s last minutes alive .  
“Thank you, Master Billaba,” I heard my younger self say. He had no idea what was coming.  
“Guys.. I think that kid, the Padawan.. is Kanan,” Ezra said. Yep.  
My eyes screwed up in pain, and I dropped the R6. “What’s wrong?” Master Billaba said.  
“I think.. someone strong.. with the Force.. just died,” I said, panting. I cried out in pain, and added, “And another, and another. Master, the Jedi are dying!” Then, the sounds of marching began to be heard. Everyone, my friends, myself, my master, all turned to face the stairs. The tops of clone helmets became visible. Then, the shooting began.  
Master Billaba and I whipped out our lightsabers, deflecting shot after shot. I tried reasoning with the clones, saying, “Wax! Dody! Quoro! What are you doing?”  
Then, those words. The last words that ever left her lips. “Caleb, go! I’ll be right behind you. Run!” And I ran, ran as fast as I could.  


And I heard the words that made me look back. “Find Caleb. Our orders were to kill him too.” I looked back, and saw her body on the ground. And just like that, everything changed. In my mind, I tore my eyes away from my own face, and looked at those of my friends. They were horrified, almost disbelieving. But then, I lowered my hand, and the memory ended. My cheek was wet. I don’t remember crying, but I must have. I breathed heavily, trying to get it under control.  
“Now you know,” I said, hoping my voice didn’t waver. I left the room for my cabin.

Hera stood in the doorway, as more tears rolled down my face. I was facing the wall, so she couldn’t see my wet cheeks. “Kanan..” she said quietly.  
“What?” I snapped. I hoped she couldn’t tell that I was crying.  
“None of us had been able to understand what you had been through.. Now we do.” I could tell she was trying to make me feel better, but it just made it worse.  
“No, you still don’t. You just have the memory of the first day. You don’t have the weeks of guilt and grief, the months of terror and fear, the years of solitude after all you had ever known was community.” I could hear my voice shaking.  
“Kanan, the solitude is over.” Her voice was soft, kind. I wanted to believe her. But I knew it wasn’t true. “We’re here for you. We understand now, or at least understand much more than we did before. You know that, right?” she continued.  
I sighed. “Yeah, I know. But I turned out fine after the solitude for eight years before I met you, and for seven years after that with no one knowing. I can handle myself.”  
“I know, Kanan. But if you ever need anything… we’re here.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


I stormed into my room. I was right. The clones couldn’t be trusted. I sat on my bunk, and put my head in my hands. “Kanan, I want to truly understand what you’ve been through in the past 15 years,” Hera said, entering my room.  
I sighed. “Hera, I don’t want you to have those memories. I don’t want you to be scarred.”  
“But I want to know.” She just wants to help me. She’s doing this for you. I told myself.  
“It’s your choice. Are you sure?” As she nodded, I raised my hand, and concentrated. The memories surrounded her. There I was, seven years old, with a group of younglings. We were learning from Master Yoda. The scenery changed into that of the mountains of Mygeeto. The clones were fighting alongside me. Mandelorian fighters swooped above us. The memory changed. I was in the mess hall, laughing with Wax, Dody, and Quoro. Then, a memory began that Hera had already seen. The clones came marching up the steps. I tried reasoning with my friends. My master told me to run. I did. My master was cut down. Everything changed.  
The memories of the next few days played out around Hera. Everything was a blur. A few months later. I was curled in a cargo hold, smuggling myself off Corescant. New memory. Working in the Outer Rim. Then, a memory of my dreams. Every night, the same. My master being cut down. But this time, there were different endings. My master pleading before she fell. Me dying too. Both of us surviving, only to be captured and tortured. Every time one of these dreams finished, I would wake up in a cold sweat, and cry until I fell asleep again.  


Another world, then another, then another. Each one the same. I would be safe for a few months, maybe a year. Then the Empire would come. I would get on the first transport out of there. Then, I was on Gorse. Meeting Okadiah. Working the bar at night. Then, the explosion. Meeting Hera. The eruption on Cynda. Okadiah’s death. My resolve to avenge him. Attacking Count Vidian. Saving Hera.  
The first few months on the Ghost. The terror, still flooding my veins at night. Finding Zeb. Meeting Sabine. Finding Ezra. Revealing to the Empire who I am. Then, seeing Rex, Wolffe, and Gregor. Finding out they were clones. Telling Ezra the truth about Order 66. Then, the meeting with Sato. Seeing the clones.  
I put my hand down, and Hera’s eyes came back into focus. I wiped my eyes, and clenched my jaw. She stared at me, wide eyed and open mouthed. “How do you live with that, every day?” she asked softly.  
“I try to keep it at bay as much as possible. But that’s harder at night. It’s harder now that I can’t see; when my mind is filling in the endless darkness with my memories.”

Oh, Maul. He always had to ruin everything. When he blinded me, I thought nothing would ever be good again, that everything was gone. There were so many times I thought I lost everything. Mainly due to Maul. The first time hurt, hurt like you wouldn’t believe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cut out the part where the crew actually goes and finds the clones, because I wanted the main focus to be on Kanan's memories and his finally opening up completely to Hera and the rest of the crew. If you're interested in reading that, please leave a comment saying so and I'll post it in a separate work. I did my best to make Kanan's memories in this as detailed as possible, while still keeping the quick, flash-by feel I wanted. As always, any comments, reviews, or suggestions are greatly appreciated.


	4. Voices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a lot shorter than the rest. It's a one-shot I thought of while rewatching Holocrons of Fate.

I could feel her pain. She was kneeling on the ground, Zeb and Sabine on either side. I rushed toward them, feeling a great danger coming. If I didn’t get there fast enough, she could-- No. Don’t even think it, I told myself. I ran as fast as I could to the Ghost. I kept my thoughts on Hera.  


I didn’t even realize I had entered her mind until I heard the thought. Her voice, saying, I love you, Kanan. I always have. My heart almost stopped. She would never say that, unless…  
The minute I entered, I heard blasters being raised. I reached out, using the Force, and stopped the blasters. I could feel the droids, struggling against my jamming of their weapons. As I felt Hera’s head turn so she could look at the droid, I jumped down from the balcony, slashed my lightsaber through the droids, and deactivated their restraints. Without thinking, forgetting that Sabine and Zeb were also there, I said the first thing that popped into my head, “I know, Hera. I know.”  
And then I heard her voice, the voice I feared I would never hear again. “Kanan! We thought..” Her voice choked. “We thought you were dead! You were pushed out an airlock!” she finished.  


I almost laughed. She had gotten one thing right. And I almost hadn’t made it back in. “Pushed out an airlock, yes. Dead, no. I’ll tell you my miraculous escape from death later, right now we have to get Ezra. Now!” I said, shifting my tone from a joking one to an urgent one.

But it wasn’t always Maul’s fault. Sometimes it was my own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one ended up being more of a teaser for the next one than I had hoped.. But comments, reviews, and suggestions are still appreciated. The next one will be a normal length again, I promise :D


	5. My fault

I ran. Cham ran. Hera ran. But Hera was slower than me and Cham.  
I could have done nothing to help her. If I had slowed, we would both be dead.  
The blaster bolts tore through the air around us. At that point, it was difficult for any of us to think of anything besides ourselves. But I did think of her. I did.   
I thought she was faster. I thought she could make it.

Cham and I made it back to the ship. We finally looked back, and saw nothing. I started panicking. Where was she?  
“We’ve got to go back for her!” I heard Cham say. Then my brain slipped back into reality, and I started thinking straight again.   
“You’re not going. You’re getting the medbay ready,” I said. I tried not to influence his mind with the Force. His decision, after all.   
“Excuse me? She my daughter!” An expected reaction, after what I said.  
“Exactly. So help her by getting the medbay ready.” I felt he needed more convincing. “You can’t defend against those blaster bolts, if they get a direct shot. I can.”

After a moment, he nodded, and I ran. Faster than I had before. This time, more than just _my_ life was on the line.   
I found her, face down. When I turned her over, I saw the burns. “Oh no. Hera, stay with us! Stay with me!” I felt like I was pleading to someone who could not change their mind. Was she already dead? A shudder went through me at the thought. No, she wasn’t. But she would be soon, before we could reach the Ghost. I started panicking again.  
A tear rolled down my cheek. What could I do? I searched my mind. What? I called out to the Force, begging it to help me. And it did.

I carried her back. She was still unconscious. But she wouldn’t die. Not yet, anyway.  
Cham called out to me as soon as he could see me. “Come on, hurry!” I heard his voice call. “Is she..” he began to ask, but I didn’t let him finish.  
“Barely.” I know he asked if she’s dead. I didn’t want to answer that question. I answered if she was alive.

I finished talking to Commander Sato, as we walked into the medical bay. I focused on her face. Was it healing? I was already feeling weaker than usual. I doubt Sato noticed, but Cham definitely did. “Kanan, I need to ask you something,” he said.  
“Go ahead,” I answered, sighing inside. Here it comes…  
He didn’t ask what I thought he would. “After its preliminary analysis, the medical droid said something puzzling. It said that at the level of Hera’s injuries, she should have died an hour ago. And yet, she’s still alive. Do you know why?”

A difficult question, but one easier than what I expected. I still sighed, however. I felt exhausted. “Yes, I know why. When I found her, I knew her injuries would kill her, long before we got back to the Ghost. So, I used an old Jedi trick, to keep people alive longer. The only downside is that it weakens the person who performs it, so they have to be willing to make that sacrifice.” He asked the expected follow-up to my vague answer.  
“What’s the old trick?”  
No point hiding it now. “I gave her some of my life force.”

“What! How is that even possible?” I flinched. Ezra _had_ to come in right now.. “I thought the Force can’t directly affect life or death! That’s what you told me!” he continued indignantly.  
“The only exception is this one trick,” I said wearily. Why did he have to hear that? Now he’s going to think he can save everyone from death. “I didn’t want you to know, because you would become obsessed by it.” Might as well tell the truth. “Let me give you this warning, Ezra. You can only safely do it once. If you try it again, try to split your life force again, you would have too little to stay alive yourself, and wouldn’t even be able to give enough to the person you’re trying to save. Even a failed attempt the first time you do it will cost not only your own life, but the life of who you're saving as well.”  
“You took that risk?” Cham said, jumping back into the tense discussion.  
I just looked at him. Finally, I said, “I couldn’t let her die.”  
“Well.. Thank you. For my daughter.” I nodded, relieved he hadn’t asked another question. I was too tired to answer more questions.

I recovered from that, eventually. After a while. But now that I think of it, Maul was involved in my losing everything quite a bit. Sometimes more.. directly than others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one ended up being more of a shorter one, but at least it's more than just a one-shot. As always, any comments, reiews, or suggestions are greatly appreciated.


	6. Still not Dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loosely based on the Clone Wars episode where Maul *SPOILERS* kills Satine.

“I’ve done this once before. I enjoyed it just as much,” Maul practically spat in my face. I couldn’t concentrate on his words. Hera was choking, slowly, behind him. I could do nothing but stare at her, trying to use the Force, but nothing happened. I felt the tears bubble up in my eyes, and I tried to blink them away. I barely registered the hands clamped firmly on my arms, restraining me. “I did it to a Jedi named Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

The name jerked me out of my stupor. Master Kenobi. For a second, I was back in the Jedi control room, learning about the beacon from the great Jedi Master. Then I blinked, and was back in the room with Maul. “What are you going to do?” My voice was gruff, roughened from lack of use.   
“I’m going to make you suffer.. Forever!” Maul said dramatically. “So funny how the Jedi, supposedly so without personal connections, always manage to make them anyway,” he said, taunting. “So funny, how much I can faze the supposedly unfazeable Jedi.”

“You will never destroy me, Maul. You may kill me, but you will never break me,” I choked out, with my last ounce of bravery. But Maul just laughed.  
“I never meant to kill you, Caleb Dume. Only to make you suffer.”  
And then, in that moment, I knew what he was going to do. My heart stopped.  
With a wave of his hand, Hera came flying forward. And stopped. Her head dropped down onto her chest, as the red saber though her cast an eerie glow on her face. The blade retracted, and she fell.

But she was not dead. I clenched my teeth and ran to her side, coming free of the guards easily. Still not dead. I held her shoulders to my chest. Still not dead. She pushed away, and looked into my eyes, that she knew were useless. That she knew I could not see through. Then the words spilled from her mouth. For years upon years, I had wished for nothing more than those three words passing her lips. But they never did. Now, I dreaded them, because I knew those would be the last words she ever said. But they came anyway. “I love you, Kanan.”  
Still not dead. Bringing her forehead to mine, trying not to sob from the pain, I mumbled, “I love you too.” And she stopped moving. A second passed, then another. Then a heartbeat. Still not dead. “I’ll always love you.” The words spilled out before I could stop them. They tumbled out with the tears, with the sobs that racked my body. The words were bitter in my mouth. A final irony. I was destined to love the dead. First, the closest thing I had to a mother. Master Billaba. Gone. Then, the closest I had to a father. Okadiah. Gone. Now the love of my life, gone forever. Another round of sobs shook me. But she’s still not dead. I found myself thinking, Just get it over with. I can’t take this anymore.

She stirred. My heart, not daring to hope, barely lifted. But still, I checked. To my surprise, her life force was getting stronger. I felt with the Force, felt her wound. Gone. I turned to Ezra in shock, to see his hand outstretched, his brow knit in concentration. I turned back to Hera, and stared at her face. Her eyelids fluttered, then opened. She lifted her weak arms, wrapped them around my neck. I wanted to kiss her, so much. But I didn’t. Not now. Not here, with Maul trying to kill us both. I pulled her closer, let her head rest on my shoulder. I felt her lips brush my cheek, and I never wanted to let go.

Sometimes, even then, in that relatively happy time, unbidden, memories would return, of their own accord. Terrible memories. But then again, not everything was bad. Despite how some situations seemed bad at the beginning, they sometimes got better. Much better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this one was more of a short one. Also, if you're wondering about the end teaser-thing, I cut out a chapter, because I have really no coherent thoughts to do for it. I just had an idea to have Kanan find Depa Billaba's force ghost, but had no real ideas on what would happen next. There is a possibility that I will add it back in if I get a good suggestion for it, so if you have any ideas for that, please let me know.


	7. Bitter Sweet

The words made me freeze as soon as I heard them. “We have found some old security cam footage of when the Jedi Temple on Coruscant fell.” I stared at the speaker. Commander Sato. Of course. “I found a Jedi who I believe survived the initial attack. We may be able to enlist his help, if he is still alive.” My eyebrow seemed to rise of its own accord, showing the doubt in my mind.  
“What area of the temple is the footage from?” I asked, deciding to humor Sato. Plus, there was.. A possibility. That the footage was of me. And my master.  
“I think there is some from all the areas,” Sato replied. Not helpful.  
I sensed all their heads turn to me. For approval? I guess so, seeing as I’m the only one who was really there. I nod. Can’t hurt. The video began playing.  
I never regretted something so quickly in all my life. I immediately recognized sounds; blaster fire, marching, and a voice. The voice. “Caleb, go! I’ll be right behind you. Run!” The last words she ever said. I almost choked. As the footage dragged on, I could tell that some of the others recognized it too. They saw my memory of this, after all. But none were about to tell Sato to stop the footage. It kept playing, and suddenly I was back there, terrified, on the steps of the temple. My master’s body lay, cold, on the balcony behind me. I ran, to save my life. Blaster fire surrounded me.  
“There! Right there!” said Sato, yanking me out of my stupor. “That kid, Caleb, he escaped the first attack! Do you think he may still be alive?”  
“Yeah, he is,” I said, almost sighing as I said the words.  
“How do you know, Kanan?”  
I actually sighed this time. “You’re staring at him.”

I sat, facing away from the compound. I wanted to meditate; I tried to meditate, but my efforts to forget weren’t working. The memory kept rising, and with it, the fear, the guilt, the anger. The cold. “Kanan, are you okay?” The soft voice gently pulled me out of my memories back into reality. “After having to go through that again?”  
Hera was trying to help; I knew that. So I tried not to snap or yell at her when I answered, “Yeah, I’m good. It’s just.. hard. I’ve survived this long by trying to forget. If you get lost in the past, you’ll never have a present, or future. So I forget, and try to stay alive.” Oh, how it felt good to get the truth out. Like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders.  
“But then you forget good things in the past, too, if you just ignore everything that’s happened.” She made a valid point. But when I thought about it, I realized something.  
There’s a reason the Jedi banned attachments. “If someone does a good thing to you, it only hurts more when something happens to them. It doesn’t keep you happy forever, and causes you more pain later.” Never before have I understood that. Mainly because I didn’t want to. As an afterthought, I added, “More pain than it’s worth.” That seemed to drive my point home. But her answer still surprised me.  


“Kanan, can you promise me something? Promise me that until I die, you won’t forget this. But when I die, don’t cause yourself pain by remembering it.”  
I blinked. What are you up to? I thought. Instead of saying that out loud, I nodded, and asked my perfectly valid question: “What are you going to do?”  
She answered with one word, “This.”  
I felt something brush against my lips. Then it pressed harder, and I knew what it was. I lifted my hands to her face gently, and pulled her away for just a second. I sensed her looking at my eyes, my blind eyes, and knew when she saw the joy in them. I grinned, and gave a laugh of pure happiness that I could not hold in. I spun her around, then kissed her, just as she had kissed me a few seconds earlier. For the first time since Malachor, I was truly happy. Then, we pulled away from each other. I kept my arms around her waist, as she reached up and kissed my forehead, right on the dark scar between my eyes. I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face. She wrapped her arms around me, and we hugged, pulling so close together no light could pass between us. I brushed my lips against her cheek, feeling her smile into my shoulder. Everything was perfect.

Oh, how things have changed since that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KANERA FINALLY HAPPENED! So, yeah, this was the beginning of Kanera in this work. Yes, it took them this long. And yes, I know I'm writing Sato to be a bit of an a**hole, and I know he's not like that in the show, but for whatever reason, I see him like this. And it fits with the story.  
> I got the idea for this chapter from [this](http://lorna-ka.deviantart.com/art/Hidden-Treasure-637397400) amazing drawing by Lorna-Ka, which I got from [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVK56OMjGh0) YouTube video by DragonRebelRose.  
> So, anyway, after this, the memories end, and the real story starts. *dramatic echoey voice* No longer will it be told in past tense.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, guys, this is where the Teen And Up rating comes into play. And the choosing not to put warnings. I'll explain better in the notes at the end, but my policy is: If I thought of it and wrote it, and you're my age or older(meaning 13+), you can read it. Especially because I never actually say it in the work. If I had, or if I described it, I would have probably rated it "Mature" or "Explicit", but I don't, so Teen And Up it is. But still, even though it's never said, you see the effects it has on people, and you see the results, so if you're uncomfortable reading potentially mature or explicit content, read at your own risk.

She lies on the floor. Unconscious from the blood loss and pain from the wounds I sensed before I was knocked unconscious. I feel along her arms, trying to find the wounds I had felt earlier. I find the worst, a burnt chasm cut deep into her arm. At least it’s stopped bleeding. Nothing else was as threatening to her life, so I tap my finger against her cheek, trying to wake her up. “Hera,” I whisper. I try to be quiet enough that the guards don’t hear, but loud enough that she hears.

I repeat her name, keep tapping her cheek, until her eyelids flutter, and she mumbles “Kanan? Where are we?”

I feel like chuckling, for no apparent reason. “You’ll have to tell me that. I can’t use the Force in here. I can’t see anything.”

I can’t gauge her response, for the reason I just stated, so I have to rely on the subtle sounds of her breaths to tell me what she thought. She’s surprised, I think. I hear her lekku brush against her back, and I know she’s looking around. “I can barely see anything, it’s so dark. The only thing is the outline of a door.”

I try to ignore the disappointment in my gut. “Ok, that’s fine,” I say. I have to tell her something; something important. I take a deep breath. “Hera, you have to know something.” I prepared this speech while she slept. “We’re only here to have information.. extracted from us. The only logical choice for them is to take you.” The sound of lekku on her back; she’s nodding. “Be brave. Stay strong.” She nods again. But I’m not finished. This is the hard part.

“Hera, I don’t want to have to say this, but I feel like I have to.” I hear my voice tremble as I continue, “If it comes down to you giving up the Rebellion, or you dying.. do what you think is best. You..” I hesitate. “You know what I want you to do, and you know what I would do but.. Do what you think is right. In the long run. For everyone.” It’s out. And I can’t help but feel I just said goodbye to her, forever. I feel tears well up behind my eyes, and try to blink them away. For her sake. The only thought in my head, is to keep her strong.

“Ok. I’ll try.” Her voice cracks as she says it. She sounds miserable.

I feel like I should give her extra support. “And just know.. whatever happens.. I’ll always love you.” I try to smile, but it didn’t reach my eyes. More tears were pooling in my eyelids. And now I feel her mouth press against mine, and I can’t stand it anymore, and I let the tears fall. I hear the door open, and we pull apart. My cheeks are wet, but I don’t bother wiping them.

“You, Twi’lek,” a gruff voice says. “Come.” I squeeze her hand, and she gets up, brushing my fingers with hers before pulling her hand away, and walking to the door.

And I already feel like I’m mourning her death.

\---------

The door opens, and something heavy drops to the floor in front of me. “Hera?” I ask quietly. And then I hear lekku brush the floor, and I hear her clothes rustling as her arms shake, and I know she’s alive. All at once, the heavy weight on my chest feels like it’s been lifted. She’s alive!

I feel my way over to her, and wrap my arms around her shivering shoulders. She buries her face in my arm, and cries weakly. “Hey,” I mumble, “What’s wrong?”

“Everything,” she chokes. Now I’m worried.

“What did they do to you?” She shakes her head. “Not they. Him,” and she sobs again.

Now I’m _really_ worried. “Hera, what happened?” I ask.

She mumbles her answer into my shoulder, and anger flares inside me. How dare that son of a--

I wrap my arms tighter around her. “Hey, it’s going to be okay,” I say, knowing it’s not true. “Hera, I swear in front of you that I will never let that sleazy scumbag or anyone like him anywhere near you again.”

She whispers, “Thank you,” I want to kiss her, to try to make her happier, but I know, not after what she’s just been through. That would only make it worse. Instead, she rests her head on my shoulder, and I wrap my arm around her, until she relaxes enough to get a little sleep.

\---------

The door opens, slowly. The Imperials had always opened it fast. Who was this? “Hera, can you see who’s at the door?” I whisper into her ear. She’s been awake for a few minutes, still leaning her head on my shoulder.

I feel her head lift from my shoulder, and she says, “Kanan, it’s Ezra.” I hear her voice waver, and I want to help her, but can’t.

I hear Ezra say, “We need to get out of here, now.” I can hear in his voice the unasked question, “What in blazes happened to Hera?” I don’t answer. Instead, I stand up, and pull Hera up with me. She keeps her arm around me, using me to support her.

The minute I step out the door, I feel the Force rush back, like it was an old friend I haven’t seen in years. I sigh in relief. “I was beginning to think I wouldn’t be able to see again, ever.” It's a stupid thing to say, seeing as I'm blind, and I expect Ezra to make some quip about it, but he doesn't.

I feel him nod. “Follow me,” he says.

The sounds of armor crashing together and blasters firing surround us on the way back to the ship. “We’re here,” I finally hear Ezra say. I feel my way through the door, carrying Hera with me. I’m still getting used to using the Force to see again.

“Finally! You guys took forever in there, what took you so long?” Sabine. She was piloting, I guess. But, we hadn’t taken that long. Had we?

“We.. had to go slow,” Ezra says. I sense his quick sly glance towards Hera, before looking away respectfully. “Anyway, we’re here now. Now let’s get moving, before the Empire sends all of their TIEs after us.”

I feel Sabine nod, and the ship I now recognize as the Phantom II turns away from the Star Destroyer and speeds off.

I sit in the back, with Hera next to me. I haven’t removed my arm from her side since we left the cell. Her head droops onto my shoulder, and I let her drift off to sleep. I relax, thinking I might be able to get a few winks myself, when Ezra asks, “Kanan, what happened to Hera?”

 _How do I answer without answering?_ “She.. didn’t answer the officer’s questions,” I say.

“But that doesn't sound like it would be _that_ bad.” Ezra gestures at Hera as he says this. I wince. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I want to tell him so, to ask him if he’s ever been tortured like Hera and I have. But I don’t. _He’s trying to help_ , I tell myself, before gesturing to Ezra to come closer. He does, and I whisper into his ear what Hera whispered into mine. And then he understands, and his eyes widen. “Oh.. I didn’t..”

“You didn’t realize,” I say, nodding.

“What? What happened?” Sabine asks. I almost groan. But it’s not her fault. She wouldn’t have known.

Ezra walks over to her in silence, and tells her what I told him. She blinks. “Oh..” and I sense her send a sympathetic look to Hera, before turning her attention back to the Phantom II.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so, the thing that actually happened to Hera was the officer raped her. Yeah, I know. I originally had a scene planned out describing it, but then I realized that I would have to actually write it, and I didn't want to even have a character mention it, because I was really uncomfortable writing it, even though I had already come up with it in my head, and I had a bunch of details ready to go. The good thing about that is I think that means I preserve the Teen And Up rating, or I gave enough warnings in the beginning notes to make up for it.  
> As usual, any comments, reviews, or suggestions are greatly appreciated!


	9. A/N

I feel so so so guilty right now. I haven't updated this story since December.. I know that not a lot of people read it, and there's no subscribers or bookmarks, meaning whoever does read it probably doesn't come back to it, but I still feel super guilty.. It's been four months. I've been trying to figure out what to do with it, and it just hasn't been clicking..  
Something you should know is that this just started out as a bunch of random fanfics, just taking place in the same timeline. I never intended for it to become a chapter story, which is why it can seem disjointed and screwy at times. At the time I first posted it, I was pretty much finished with writing it - I had a few ideas for continuing it, but they were all half-formed and pretty awful. These were the first bits of fanfiction I ever wrote, and I was pretty proud of it at the time. But now, I'm way more experienced with fanfiction than I was - I read it, I write a lot of it, I practically live and breathe it.   
I'm going to high school starting in the fall, after being homeschooled for my whole life. I won't be able to spend as much of my time writing fanfiction as I used to; I may not even have any time at all. But I'll still try to keep writing, because I love doing it, and I know people like reading it.   
I'm not going to delete this story, like I know a lot of authors would do. I always hate it when an author just decides to delete their story, because I always think that their story is good, and even if they lost faith in it, people should still be able to enjoy what they have written. Instead, I'm doing another thing I hate, but not as much as deleting it - I'm putting this story on an indefinite hiatus, at least until I can figure out what to do with it, but quite possibly far longer. It will stay up on the site, but I won't be updating it for the time being.  
Bridges, my other Star Wars Rebels series, will continue, hopefully at a faster pace than it has been going. But, that might also end up going on hiatus until the fall. I'm also collaborating with a friend to write two Divergent fanfictions (closely related to each other), and an Avatar: The Last Airbender fanfiction, though that's currently paused because we're focusing on the Divergent ones. Hopefully, those works will start going up soon.   
Writing this work really was a lot of fun, and I hope that I'll think of a way to continue this some time in the future, so the story can continue.  
Thank you for reading as far as you have, and I hope you enjoyed all that was in this story so far.


End file.
